THIS TIME ITS WAR

After what seems like months sneaking behind everyone's backs, secret emails, whispered phone calls and sneaking off into corners with Mr Shaw for secret talks. I can finally announce our greatest outing yet.

On the 27th July The Gentlemen's Outing Association will be shooting the shit out of each other at Rednal Paintball Arena. I have already got a few of you on my hit list so be warned. I am also aware who Mr Shaw has earmarked for some special treatment. You all know the details by now.

So now that the para-military wing of The Gentlemen's Outing Association has been formed, it is essential that as many recruits as possible attend this intensive training camp, so if anyone from other, less, organised shifts, wish to join us for the day, then I'm sure we will be able to accommodate them.

Don't be fooled into thinking this is going to just be a fun day out, with lots of shooting, pisstaking, laughing and afterwards beer.

Oh no there is a serious side to this.

This is just the first step towards our goal of establishing The Gentlemen's Republic of Rowan... Oh yes, one day dear comrade, we shall break free from the yoke of tyranny that the evil dictator Tommy Murphy has placed around our necks.

One day we shall have breaks that will last as long as we wish, breaks that can be enjoyed without being spied upon by clock watching Irishmen. One day we shall only boil the tomatoes that we want to boil, and not have to boil tomatoes just to please those traitors of the skiving classes who wear collars and ties. One day all fork lift trucks will have air con and internet access. One day we will be able to order proper food in the canteen, food like fried egg and chips. One day (dare I say it) the coffee from the vending machines will taste of ...coffee.

One day all of this can come true, but only if we we train hard and plan well. You owe it not just to yourselves, but to your children, to work towards the day when we can hold up our heads and say proudly, " I am a Gentleman".

We must not underrate the gravity of the task which lies before us or the temerity of the ordeal, to which we shall not be found unequal. We must expect many disappointments, and many unpleasant surprises, but we may be sure that the task which we have freely accepted is one not beyond the compass and the strength of The Gentlemens Outing Association.

Official Gentlemens Outing Association Merchandise

Do you love the Association? Then why not show that love with an Official Gentlemen's Outing Association Hip Flask (alcohol not included).

Forged in the flames of Mustafar and lovingly painted by busty maidens from the foothills of Scandinavia. These Limited Edition Production Pieces are available to you for the ridiculously low price of £15 each. But wait I know what your thinking. If only there was a Hip Flask with a picture of The Under Secretary as well. Fear not Gentlemen. Your prayers have been answered.

Why not splash out and buy a pair? These Limited Edition Production Pieces can be bought as a pair for £28. Yes that's right, £28. That's a huge saving of £2 which is only available to Members of the Association.

Whats that I hear you cry. Wheres the Hip Flask with your picture on? Fear not Gentlemen. The Association prides itself on its ability to cater to your ever desire. A custom made Hip Flask can be yours for £15. Imagine the pride of holding aloft such a coveted item. Women will flock to be seen with you, men will cower in your presence. You will truly be The Lord of your Manor.

Please direct all enquiries to The Under Secretary.

The Plumbers Arms...A New Hope

When I returned home after a hard day boiling tomatoes, I was pleasantly surprised to find a letter from Twaites waiting for me.


I tore open the envelope with great anticipation and was pleased to find a response from the Managing Director of Thwaites. The letter is shown on the right.


So chaps, it looks like we shall once more darken the doorstep of The Plumbers Arms, when it is all nice and polished and smelling of new paint, and that nice man, Mr Morris will be buying the drinks.

The Plumbers Arms....the story continues...

After our disastrous visit to The Plumbers Arms in Chester, as reported by our President, I was taken with the notion to try and get some free booze, so after googling Thwaites, I discovered that they had appointed a new Managing Director less than a month before. So it was to him that I wrote the following letter (apologies for repeating a large part of Mr Millwards' post, but it was unlikely that the M.D. had read it).

Dear Mr Morris,

First of all please accept my hearty congratulations on your recent appointment as managing director of Thwaites, I wish every success to both you, and the company.
Please let me introduce myself, my name is Mark Shaw, and I have the honour of being the secretary to a small group of work colleagues who have formed a social group called The Gentlemen’s’ Outing Association. As a group, we have an event about once a month and last month, we went ten pin bowling and followed this up with a meal.
As there was a short gap between the bowling finishing and our reservation at the restaurant, we decided to call and have a drink at a local hostelry. The pub we went to was one of yours, namely the Plumbers Arms in Chester.
I am afraid I have to report that the visit was less than satisfactory.
Upon entering the bar the first order was placed, following our tradition, by our President, Mr S. Millward, the ensuing conversation went along the following lines;

Mr Millward, “A pint of Guinness please.”
Lady behind bar,” I’m sorry we don’t have any Guinness.”
Mr Millward, “That’s ok; I’ll have a pint of bitter then.”
Lady behind bar, “Sorry we haven’t got any bitter either, our delivery doesn’t come until tomorrow.”
Mr Millward, “Ok then, in that case, could I have a Mangers.”
Lady behind bar,” No we haven’t got any bottled beers.”
At this point Mr Millward was lost for words, so I stepped to the fray, and ordered two whiskeys with ice, the whiskeys were duly poured, but were served with no ice, when I pointed this out the lady behind the bar informed us that she had no ice.
Somewhat shell shocked Mr Millward and I took our seats as the rest of our group ordered their drinks, mostly lager, as there was little else to choose from.
At this point I went to the gents, well to be truthful, I went to the door of the gents, I never actually went in, they where in an appalling state, dirty, smelly, with rubbish on the floor and holes in the walls, truly shocking.
Mr Morris, I am sorry to say, but the Plumbers Arms is by far and away the worst public house I have ever set foot in.
Over the dinner table, conversation turned to our recent experience and it turns out we are quite a travelled little group. We have between us drank, sometimes to excess, in almost every corner of the world, however, no one could report a bar or tavern with as little chance of a repeat visit as the Plumbers Arms.
Once more, Mr Morris, on behalf of our small group, good luck in your new role, because if the rest of the business is in the same state as the Plumbers Arms, you’re going to need it.

Yours sincerely
Mark Shaw.

Now I know it all sounds a bit pompous, but if I had said "We were on the piss, and your boozer was shite", I don't think we would have got a response.
and a response we have got, a slightly disappointing response but it says

Dear Mr Shaw,
Thank you for your letter to our Managing Director, Peter Morris. I am sorry to hear of your experience at the above public house and as Mr Morris is out of the office until Tuesday 6th May, I have passed your letter onto our regional sales Manager for the area, Mr Conrad Jones, who will investigate the matter immediately and report back to Mr Morris on his return.

The letter is signed by the M.D.s' PA.

Now we wait with bated breath to see if anything further is heard from Thwaites. If we do then you will read all about it here (unless a large delivery of alcohol is made to my home address, in which case I may well be off work for a couple of days).

Unseen Footage

After the amazing footage that was captured of Mr Higgins getting a strike. I have managed to get my hands on some footage of myself playing Mr Hollis. This is unseen by anyone until now. The game was tense, it was strike for strike. Mr Hollis had left me in a position where I needed to take down my three remaining pins. The footage speaks for itself:

Excuses,Excuses

To save Carl Hughes the problem of coming up with a reason for not attending the next outing, a list of excuses has been compiled from which he can choose one.

They are as follows:

1) The kids are off school.

2) The kids are in school.

3) My wife has to work.

4) I have to work.

5) It's very sunny out and I might get sunburned.

6) It's raining out and I might get wet.

7) The car won't start.

8) I missed the bus.

9) Trains are unnatural and are the work of the devil.

10) I forgot the date.

11) No one told me the date.

12) I only drink bright blue drinks that come with umbrellas and I'm scared you will tease me about it.

13) I've got an appointment with my doctor/dentist/optician/sex change therapist.

14) I've converted to Islam and drinking is against the teachings of the prophet, I now wish to be known as Mohammad Al Dokiegit.

15) I'm sexually attracted to someone who will be there, and I'm scared if I drink too much I might admit it to him.

16) I'm shy.

17) I'm only allowed out of my gimp suit to go to work.

18) That's the day of my appointment at the clap clinic.

19) I'm not allowed to cross the big road on my own.

20)There will be big boys there.

21) I'm only allowed to wear my party dress on Sunday.

22) There will be big girls there.

23) On Tuesdays I wear a dress, stockings and high heels and call myself Sally.

24) Tommy Murphy said I'm not allowed to play with you.

25) My wife won't let me.



Which one do you think he will choose? Let us know in the Shout box.