The calm before the storm

I have always considered myself lucky to have grown up in the 1970's/1980's. It was in these formative years that I was able to witness the dominance of Liverpool Football Club in both domestic and european football, Barry McGuigan against Eusebio Pedroza, Chris Eubank against Nigel Benn, Mike Tyson becoming the youngest man ever to win a world heavyweight title at just 20 years old and the Welsh national rugby team seemingly unstoppable in the five nations.

These years also helped form my taste in music. Years of listening to David Bowie, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and many others at the hands of my Father (if only he knew what was on the horizon). Live televised charity concerts Live Aid and The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert are as fresh in my mind today as the day they were broadcast,but I digress.

It takes a huge event to get me excited these days, so it is with a great sense of anticipation/trepidation that I look forward to Monday 27th October:

B-DAY

I know that there will be a few Gentlemen amongst us who do not realise the significance of this date so let me explain.

Mr Shaw and Mr Hawker are locked in an eternal power struggle. Mr Shaw always believes he is right and Mr Hawker believes Mr Shaw is always wrong and that he is always right. I have seen this power struggle play out before my very eyes on many occasions. I kid you not dear reader when I say it has left me quaking in my boots many times.

Take a look at theses photos below. What is the first thought that pops into your mind?

I know what your thinking. Its a picture of pure serenity, just two best friends sharing a hearty breakfast and laughing about the good times they have shared.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are wrong. What you cannot tell from these pictures is the sense of underlying menace. The testosterone fuelled anger that each combatant is fighting to keep under control even though it seeps from every pore on their bodies.

On the 27th October 2008.
For one game only
These two giants of Oscar Mayer lore
Go head to head
In a historical showdown
There can only be one winner
CAN YOU AFFORD TO MISS IT?

The Plumbers Arms...The Return of The Gentlemen

Those of you who were unfortunate to be with us for our first bowling trip will no doubt have not forgotten quite how bad The Plumbers Arms pub was .
Well if you recall(and if not check out the earlier posts) I wrote to the MD of Thwaites who promised us a drink when the planned refurbishment took place. As I had heard nothing, and we are about to go back, I took it upon myself to write once more to Mr Morris, who has since replied.
The correspondence went as follows:

Dear Mr Morris,

Re: Your letter dated 7th May 2008

How are you keeping? I do hope that the job is going well and that you have found out the important things in any new position, such as, where the photocopy paper is kept, where the secretaries’ hide the good coffee and which of the ladies in the canteen will slip a few extra chips on your plate if you talk nicely to her.
As you are aware, I wrote to you several months ago about a somewhat less than satisfactory visit I and a few friends had to the Plumbers Arms in Chester. At the time you replied to me saying that you would let us know when the refurbishment of the Plumbers Arms had been completed so that we could take you up on your kind offer of standing a round or two.
I have to inform you Mr Morris, that we shall once again be visiting Chester for one of our outings on the 27th of October. Now I know that this is short notice, but do you think the refurbishment will be complete before then?
If not, then may I make a suggestion? Perhaps we could help?
We have in our small band quite a range of talents, For example our very own Mr Hawker, before he took on the executive role which he now holds, was a time served plasterer, now whilst I am not a professional, I am no slouch at hanging wallpaper and Mr Millward and Mr Higgins have both been known to wield a pretty mean paintbrush, and our Polish friends, Mr Waryszak and Mr Politanski, have said that they are willing to have a crack at the plumbing.
Now I am aware that at the moment, with the downturn in the economy and the credit crunch, the cost of materials might be an issue, but perhaps I can help with that too. My kindly, but elderly father has mentioned that pensioners can get a 10% discount at B&Q on a Wednesday; it is possible that we could arrange to meet him to come with us, to buy the required materials, thereby making a not inconsiderable saving.
Obviously we will have to sort out a time when we are all free to come and muck in, not an easy task with the demands of work and families, but I am sure we can come to some arrangement.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, so plans can be made.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Shaw.

He Replied

Dear Mr Shaw,

Re: The Plumbers Arms, Chester

Thank you for your letter, which I received today.
I am pleased to say that a refurbishment of The Plumbers has been completed and as promised in my letter of the 7th May I am happy to stand you and some of your friends a drink when you visit on the 27th October, therefore if you let me know how many of you there are I will arrange it.
Once again, thank you for writing.

Yours sincerely.

Peter Morris

I've written back

Dear Mr Morris,

Many thanks for your prompt reply.
I must admit I am rather pleased that the refurbishment of The Plumbers has been completed, as Mrs Shaw has decided that our house needs a total makeover before Christmas, it was going to be awkward explaining why I needed to decorate a pub first.
As for your kind offer to stand me and my friends a drink, there should be no more than ten of us and we will be arriving at The Plumbers around 6.30pm to 7pm.If you are in the area I would be delighted to reciprocate and buy you a drink, if not, then may I wish good luck for the future to yourself and Thwaites.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Shaw.

Mines a large Malt.

A Fistful Of Cooksheets.

Picture the scene if you will...a test room at a food factory in deepest Wrexham, a florescent light hums and flickers , a computer screen casts an eerie glow over a dull and pitted steel table.
On one side of the table sits Mr Jason " I'm the Man" Hawker, an air of confidence seems to seep from his every pore. Here is a man who fears no challenger, after all, his word is law, this is his territory, his room, his table.
In the corner pretending to be testing a sauce, but really watching with eagle eyed vision and a photographic memory, is Mr Stuart Roberts, as the drama unfolds Mr Roberts records every nuance, every gesture and every glance. It is upon his recollection that this post is based.
Facing Mr Hawker across the scratched and pitted surface of the tabletop are two upstarts with mischief in their hearts and menace in their eyes, namely, Mr Sebastian " pretty boy" Politanski and Mr Witold " I take no prisoners" Waryszak.
Mr Hawker speaks " Our first day back in the New Year is on the 2nd of January".
This is the moment the two young bloods have been waiting for, Mr Waryszak replies in a steely voice " I think you're wrong it's the 1st we come back". At his side Mr Politanski nods eagerly in agreement.
A haunting silence falls across the room, even the ever present MFM goes mute for a long moment (It has since been reported that it is officially the longest period of time in the history of MFM that they have failed to play a song by Queen).
Mr Hawker fixes his cold hard eyes onto the face of Mr Waryszac and says in a quiet but deeply menacing voice "No, I am right, our first day is the 2nd of January".
As Mr Hawker speaks, a small but significant shiver is seen to run down Mr Politanski's spine and he takes a tiny step backwards. Mr Waryszac is, however, made of sterner stuff and he repeats "No no, we come in on the 1st".
This defiance comes as a shock to Mr Hawker, how can anyone challenge him, Here? Now? In a moment of near panic he decides to raise the stakes " I will bet you a pint that we come back on the 2nd " he says.
Mr Waryszac takes several seconds to reply and when he does it is in a calm and determined voice, " Make it two pints, to be paid when we go bowling".
"Done", cries Mr Hawker and reaches for the dogeared desk diary that has been lying between our two protagonists.
" OK then, lets see, so the 28th of Decemeber, that's our first day off" says Mr Hawker confidently, he continues "the 29th is our second, the 30th is our third and the 31st is...DOH".
At this point, Mr Waryszac smiles broadly, turns on his heel and proudly walks from the room as the undisputed victor. Mr Hawker, however is a broken man, with his head in his hands, in a small and almost pitiful voice he cries " I don't think I can go bowling now I have to buy him drinks".
And so dear reader if you should happen to cross the path of either of our combatants don't forget to congratulate one and commiserate with the other, and rest assured that when we do go bowling, photographs of Mr Waryszac holding (and drinking) his winnings will be published at this very site.

The Association in Scandal Shocker

Gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I find myself writing this post. Our last outing at Rileys ended in total disgrace. The culprit? Mr Shaw, yes you read that right our own trusted Secretary. In a move that has shamed us all Mr Shaw drank LAGER (photographic proof is provided below). As you can see in the photo our very own Mr Roberts looks horrified at the events he is witnessing. Now before we all vilify him for his actions we must all remember the good he has brought to the Association. His wit and wisdom has seen us through some troubling times and as we are all to aware his battles with our own Mr Hawker have brought much laughter to us all. So I beg you all, please be gentle with him but always remember I am outing him for his own good.